ash the makeup guru

a few years ago I was hip and cool with the kids, this is back when YouTube was my study time and Sephora was my one place of worship. Ohh boy how the times have changed. I am at a point in my life where I don’t care if my eyebrow pencil is Anastasia Beverly Hills or Maybelline. I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss the rush of adding the new Naked pallet to my horrendous collection of makeup I had spent more than 500 dollars on, only to keep in a drawer for 3 month before I remembered I had bought most of the items.

Now I am a simple gal (when it comes to makeup)

a year ago I wore a full face of makeup

foundation (Urban Decay or Milk Makeup), concealer (Benefit), contour (ABH cream contour) , highlight (Two Faced candlestick), eye shadow primer (Urban Decay), eye shadow (Modern Renaissance, Naked 2, 3 and, Smokey, two faced chocolate bar) , liquid eyeliner (alwaysss Stila, I don’t know why), mascara (better than sex), lipstick (Kylie Jenner kip kit…. I was that bitch)

just typing out all of that makes me exhausted, I am not sure how I got up so early just to walk around with a layer of caked silicone on my face.

Now when I get up I wash my face with some cold water

apply this “Dior forever” concealer to any blemishes that wanna ruin my day, around the corners of my nose, and a scar on my forehead. Not all over though because I gotta leave my freckles out to see the world.

I take this cool Maybelline “brow define and fill duo” thing and lightly fill in my eyebrows with each end (Don’t be the girl with obviously drawn on eyebrows, pls)

Then I either put on some fake Ardelle eyelashes of some BTS mascara, I like fake eyelashes because they’re so easy to take off. No more scrubbing for 10 minutes and then having your eyes get irritated from the makeup remover. its also nicer to spend 4 dollars on lashes than 100 on extensions that take 2 hours to put in and ultimately fall out without a few days, taking our beautiful lashed with them. (I don’t care what anyone tells you, they make your lashes fall out)

That’s it. simple and easy

when in in the car I like to put on some lip product sometimes

I highly recommend Burt’s Bees lip shimmer, the stuff feels sooo nice on your lips with a soothing menthol feel and light formula, great for the upcoming summer days.

When I wanna do something a little more bold I like to reach for some lip stick, I usually dab a little onto my finger and rub it onto my lips so it looks more natural.

despise my udder hatred for how society is pressuring women into an expensive makeup industry, I wanna do a few product reviews in the future and really go into depth about the products (Are they worth it? Are there any dupes?)

Keep it real man, ill see ya in the next one

 

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not exactly light and fluffy

Im not sure where to start with this one. At this point i haven’t released my blog out for anyone to see and there has a lot i have been hiding from everyone over the passed year and a half. Im going to get to the point and start off by saying

Ive done some stupid shit

Now there is nothing poetic about this post. This is simply me sharing my experience, hoping someone might understand me a little bit more

Abusive relationships… something we hear about, something maybe we have had a friend or a family member go through. It isn’t something we would ever see happening to ourselves.

I fell head over heels for a boy, a very sweet and amazing boy.

this was one of my first relationships and i was in love with love

The high you feel when someone sees you as nothing but perfect, the feeling when you have so much more to know about each other.

Being blinded by love is like walking into a beautiful sunflower field, the warm rays of sun beating down on your face, the birds chirping in the trees just ahead. Everything feels right. just you two

But eventually you start to see

I opened my eyes to the perfume bottle screaming run as it lay on his bedroom floor.

surprising him only to see him walk into his apartment with another girl, he said he was “sleeping”

the ladies lotion found under his bed

the girls extra small tee hidden in his underwear drawer

the missing condoms

the bloody nose trying to wake him up in the morning, and the others that came

The messages he deleted, and the messages he forgot to

The pictures of her naked ass her his name written in sharpie clean across her cheek.

The anger from not sleeping with him one night, the rage when it became a week

The drugs

calling my mom and “Old Cunt”

the screaming and pushing

hitting his head off of things, saying i must want him to die

breaking his coffee table because you used his good eraser on the new whiteboard he hung up

running down the hallway when he kept grabbing you, trying to keep you from leaving

His chlamydia that seemed to appear out of thin air

The chlamydia he said was just a bladder infection

The tears of joy knowing i was clean and the fear knowing how close i was to it

I found myself long out of that dandelion meadow, now in an explosive mine field. Scared to move in order to avoid the explosion.

I felt alone and isolated. Until i walked out.

When you are torn apart day by day by a prince turned monster, it changes you

I don’t trust as easily, I filch whenever a boy comes too close.

Some nights are better than others

This relationship was the longest year and a half of my life.

A relationship should never end with a hospital trip

A doctor telling you this is abuse, as you lay in that cold hospital bed

Don’t let it get as far as i did. When you see the red flags, confront it. And if there are more, run.

Do not destroy yourself by staying. I was in love with love but i needed to be more in love with myself

to keep myself safe

the one for you is out there

but your abuser is not the one

don’t let it own you

rebuild

have an amazing day everyone, and stay safe

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

mom

one of the first memories i have from being a little girl is making cookies with my mom. she would put on our fancy aprons, i distinctly remember hers saying “pampered chef” across the chest. she would grab this stool for me to stand on because i was too short to see the counter.

I loved watcher her sprinkle a thick coat of flower on the counter, cookies were the perfect excuse to make a mess.

But people change

another memory i have of being a little girl is my mom storming through the front door late at night. from there all i remember is my dad and my mom arguing and hiding behind dad when she threw her empty cigarette package at him.

the last memory was listening to their last fight as husband and wife, i was hiding in the laundry room with our dog. dad told me they getting a divorce and as a child it’s hard to understand. I knew this was coming. i didn’t see much of my mom around for awhile, which wasn’t much different from before. she liked to drink with her friends and stay the night. well, i liked to think she was only drinking with her friends.

me and dad were on our own while she moved in with my once happily married pre-school teacher.

we had a small apartment with no furniture. for a year it was just me, dad, and a blow up camping bed in the living room.

while we struggled to deal with losing a family, my mom was more than happy.

seeing the way she abandoned be for each boyfriend that came along after that really made my young mind confused.

where did momma go?

why won’t she make cookies with me anymore

why won’t she see me?

my friend passed away a-few weeks ago, and she promised to sit through the funeral with me

instead she went camping with her fiancé, and i sat there in that dim funeral home, facing that painful service all by myself.

i miss my mom every day, because i don’t know the person she has become

losing a friend

18 days ago we lost one of the most amazing friends anyone could have asked for. When someone you are close to passes away, it’s like the world stops. the horror is so profound you find yourself texting to silence itself. But the silence roars louder and louder to this new reality, a reality where you have to let go. A reality where you couldn’t say goodbye. A reality where you are lost within yourself not knowing what the fuck to do.

What do i do.

what do you do when everyone around you is falling apart all for the same reason you need to keep your composure.

the answer is simple

don’t

pain demands to be felt especially when every other emotion has evaporated from your exhausted, headache driven mind.

let yourself feel

it does not get easier right away, and it will never feel better

suicide never gets better

you will spend countless evenings curled up on your couch cursing about how you didn’t do enough.

you didn’t get to thank him again for all the things he has done for you.

you don’t get to hear one last rant about christian faith that was completely offensive but made you laugh anyways.

you’ll miss hearing about every physics theory and mathematical strategy you didn’t understand and the passion behind each word.

feeling sick from the fact that maybe one last message could have changed his mind.

you would give anything at all to go back in time just to hug him and let him know he isn’t alone.

you wish you could remind him that this is only high school and the rest of his life is awaiting, it shouldn’t have been so short.

there is so much to say

but words will only go unspoken

the most amazing person took his life 18 days ago, and i miss him more and more every day

there is a light at the end of that tunnel. even if you can’t see it,

we will help guide you through the dark

 

don’t take your life for granted. if you are feeling sad, depressed, hopeless, anxious, or like you can’t go on, please contact a help line or talk to someone about how you are feeling.

Chimo crisis line if you ever need to talk:   604-279-7077

Have a great day guys, stay safe

 

something different 

the other day I was sitting in bed after a LONG day at school. I hadn’t slept for a good 24 hours and my head was pounding. As I pulled the fluffy blanket overtop of me I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into this trance. Just yearning for a dream. Every once and awhile I would open my eyes just a crack to admire the firey fall leaves outside my window, waving a gentle hello. What was this feeling? Just laying in bed on the edge of sleep yet so aware. This feeling made my entire body tingle, I felt happy. is that what it’s like to relax? To feel finally free and breath for once. These are the breaths I will never regret taking.

perspective 

the other night I watched a movie that left me traumatized throughout my entire childhood. I had nightmares for 5 years straight and wasn’t ever able to shake the fear this movie brought to the table at such a young age.

I thought maybe it was about time I sat myself down and faced my fear. Lately I’ve been trying to train my brain to face problems head on instead of running away or hiding from them, this seemed like a good start.

Sitting in my dark basement with a glass of apple juice I clicked play on the movie knowing fully what I was getting myself into.

The corn field scene.

A majority of people would say that loved the movie E.T growing up. I didn’t. The main reason being the ear crippling noises he makes during the scene when Elliot finds E.T in the cornfield. I would love to say I watched that scene again years later not afraid becuase my young adult mind rose above my childhood fear. Like I said I would love to say that but if I did it wouldn’t be true.

The exact moment I heard that shreek again I found myself hiding my toes under the covers, from what? A fictional alien played by a midget in a costume.

Even though I recognized this being nothing more than a movie. Even though I told myself I was safe and fully well knew I was safe, I was still scared.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the emotional stress we experience in our childhood carrys along with us through out life until the bitter end. Even though you may learn eventually to face these fears and acknowledge they can’t harm you, we are still scared in the back of our mind.

this is my question.

Do we just let our imaginations get the best of us? Do we subconsciously think that when it comes to our fears, the impossible is in fact possible?

 

for you

1:55 am : i found you. Not in yourself but in a video dating back may 1st 2016 at 6:20 pm.

I saw you, and the beauty of it brings tears to my eyes. Tears I cant tell which are happy and which are sad. All I know is I saw you again

For the first time in so so long

I missed you dearly

Your cheeks stained red by a loving touch

A kiss that breathed something which was mine

An infinite grasp on my heart

I must have loved you

These are the few words I never got to say

Hearing that laugh I call extacy

And you my lovely boy were the sweetest drug

My heart enclosed in one beautifully blue iris

Those trusting eyes so friendly

Once friendly

Those cheeks dimmed pale.

Those lips whisp heavy smoke into my lungs

Suffocating on your fumes of lust and greed

I found you again this evening, and I’ve never missed anything more

Cheers to another sleepless night of missing you j
I hope you find yourself again

he doesn’t exist

I fell in love. he brought the kind of love that made me want to get up in the morning just to see ” I love you ” pop up on my phone. the kind of love that made me care for once in my life, my cold cold heart fluttered at his warm embrace. the kind of love that makes you realize just how much you were missing out on before they walked into your life. love that seems to have a grip on your mind body and soul. this ladies and gentlemen is the kind of love that you know you couldn’t ever be the same without.

This is the kind of love that kills. yes yes i know heartbreak can’t physically kill you. but it destroys you in ways you couldn’t even imagine. Those memories you try so hard to forget haunt your dreams, those pictures of the both of you bring tears to your eyes because you know they are gone. they wanted to leave. i think thats the part that hurts most. knowing after all of those beautiful nights of love and lust they still wanted to leave. they may have promised to be different. they may have promised to stay by your side through thick and thin, the good and the bad days. after all of the dates and the firsts you had together that meant more than the world to you, they left willingly.

You see thats whats so fucked up about love. a heart will never break even and as a result one receives collateral damage. I loved him with all of me, i was his. when he left there was nothing left to call myself. nothing of my own. my reflection was alien and unfamiliar without him by my side.

If you love something you set it free, if its meant to be it comes back. my mother used to tell me this all of the time when i was younger. i always wondered when this would ever come into play in my life, until now.

He came back. the love of my life came back, those blue eyes looked into mine once again. i was too innocent to understand their true intentions. the moment his arms embraced me and laid me down, i knew this wasn’t him. this monster in the body of my love misunderstood no for yes. i would love to say missunderstood because i know him. i know he loves me and wouldn’t hurt me. intentionally.

i knew him, i knew the boy he was before. not the user he had become. he only wanted one thing from me and it wasn’t above the waist. i thought i was lucky to have my boy finally want me again, finally come back. i was wrong. Somewhere over that period of time he lost himself. he lost the beautiful person he used to be and replaced with a  promiscuous boy who was willing to do anything and hurt anyone to get what he desired. he was no longer capable of the passionate love that kept my life together like the strongest support beam you can find. i found this version of him disappearing for days and days on end with no word or reply. nothing. i was left in the dark wondering what the fuck i did. his new found manipulative ways made me hate who i was.

How dare he walk back into my life and bring nothing but pain and regret to the table. this isn’t love this is a game. the moral of the story is when someone leaves you and wants to come back, are they worthy of you? are they even still the same person on that note. the boy i am head over heels in love with no longer exists. and his cold shell will
forever torment me.